February 2, 2007 (Fri)

I woke up feeling a little pain on my stomach.  I fixed myself still, drank my milk and vitamins then head for work.  The pain was nothing serious.  I arrived at the office and did my thing - program and email.

Lunch Time.  The pain’s still there.  I slouched, surfed the net.  The pain subsided.  A bit.  I ate my lunch - carrots and 2 eggs.  Done.  The pain came knocking again.  That time, stronger.  I slouched.  Nothing happened.

Lunch Break’s over.  Officemates came settling down.  I was sitting.  Struggling to survive.   I couldn’t make it anymore, I thought.  I went down and asked for permission to leave the office.

I left.  was walking towards the 15-minute walk train station which seemed to be the farthest train station i’ve walked in my whole life.  The pain’s so real and so hard.  I felt I could collapse.  I thought about asking for help from among the store owners inside the train station.  I wanted to lie myself down.  I knew I would feel better if I lie down.  But I was too shy to do it and sure thing, there aren’t any beds inside the boutiques.

I rushed to the comfort room, sit on a western style bowl and hoped the pain would subside.  Nothing happened.  The pain only got stronger.  I went out and headed towards the train station entrance to get my ride.  I was literally dragging myself, back folded while walking (like an old woman suffering from osteoporosis).  The train wasn’t there yet. So, I sit on the floor in the waiting street.  Imagine me doing that!  The pain was striking really strong.  I didn’t care looking so stupid on the floor. 

I had my train ride and closed my eyes.  It will be a 25-minute ride.  I was holding on.  That 25-minute ride didn’t seem to be only 25 minutes at all.  It’s like forever. 

Then I went down.  Wondering if I could still survive.  I still had to walk for 15 minutes to reach my pad.  Several thoughts came in - riding a taxi or hitching a ride.  Nothing seemed something I could do.  The taxi fare is so expensive and I couldn’t talk to tell the driver where I was heading.  So, instead of thinking, I walked, back folded still.  Oh my GOD!  I wanted so much to die.  The pain was just so unbearable!  But I kept walking.  My stomach was bulging from the pain.  I was battling against the feeling of losing all my senses while walking.  It’s winter and so cold and the snow was pouring a bit and there was me, struggling to reach home with my stomach at its worst state.  For every pace I took, I thought about how many more steps I had to take to reach my pad.  It didn’t seem to work.  I only felt more bad feeling how much longer did i need to walk; how much farther my pad had become.

I reached my pad, opened the door and undressed myself.  I had the biggest stomach I’ve ever seen on me.  I enveloped myself with blanket then laid myself down.  I knew then I would be alright. 

I could have died.  And I didn’t care.  It could have been better that I did.  I mean, that’s what I thought at that moment.

I trudge everyday the same route.  And yet, it seemed like the longest walk of my life. 

It seemed like I was walking for so long… like, FOREVER.