Today, we had a korean concert service at the church.  Amazing how the songs and video played struck and moved me to tears.  Oh man!  I loved it.  I felt deeply moved.  And I just went on crying especially upon seeing Jesus Christ being whipped and nailed on the cross for my sins.  I felt so loved.  And so guilty too.  And before I knew it, my tears were running down my cheeks,  racing.  I love it - crying, knowing for a certainty that I am loved and someone died for me (brings guilt though).

I learned so much from the Bible Study as well.  I am loving the group and what we do.  Thank you guys!

And after church, since I just learned how to bike,  I cycled for two hours with idel.   felt so good!

Posted: May 27th, 2007 under Fitness, Love Actually, Religion, Serious Talk.
Comments: none

May 21, 2007 (Mon)

yepey!
yes. you heard and read it right. i didn’t know how to ride a bike. i wasn’t exposed to bicycles. my family doesn’t own a bike and perhaps, i wasn’t that interested. a bike was merely a want, not a need.

well, here in Japan, a bike is considered every man’s feet, a need, not a want. young and adults alike have bicycles. and while i maybe capable of having one, i didn’t know how to ride on it. confessing to anyone (here in Japan) that i didn’t know how to, is such a shame. all of them were surprised and did think that i was just kidding. but, no, i wasn’t kidding.

i missed all those bike riding activities and i replaced bike rides with train rides and walks.

until i decided to finally try learning how to. to be honest, it’s hard. i wanted to learn it quick but i couldn’t. i tried moving around the park only to fail. watching young and adults riding on their bike made me feel so frustrated and somehow, i felt a bit discouraged and yeah, so ashamed.

kay was encouraging me and telling to ignore all those surprised faces of both adults and young watching me. she was coaching me how to do it in the way she did it when she was yet learning.

but i never did learn on my first day. i only earned bruises and body pains (esp my butt). but it’s worth another try. i concluded, learning japanese especially kanji is easier than learning how to bike.

i searched the internet for tips but the lists are those that i know. there was no secret revealed that i needed to know to learn quickly.

this morning, i was with another friend, keren. she’s an expert with bike riding and she swore i’d learn in just a single session. so, we went to the park again and she taught me the first few steps to learning how to do it. balancing was the first goal. i rotated the park for perhaps, almost an hour, just trying to balance. and then, i tried putting my legs on the pedal. alas! i did it! in two hours, i learned how to do it.

and i am damn so proud of myself. and i was wrong. learning japanese (kanji esp) is far more difficult than learning to ride the bike.

i think i am the only one in our family who knows how to ride a bike (except my dad). hehe.

i’ve learned that there are some things in life so simple for the majority but so complicated for me. i’ve learned that some things in life are only learned by actual activity and never by theory.

thanks to kay, keren and kagz!

Posted: May 25th, 2007 under Health, Passion, Serious Talk.
Comments: 4

intro: i wrote it somewhere once.  but for those who haven’t read, i made mention that i do have a digestion problem. it all started when i drank a slimming tea.  i used it for slimming purposes.  that’s it.  however, i noticed that when i skip drinking it, i can’t move bowels.  i just can’t.  my tummy would be so big if i don’t drink the tea.  i tried a lot of fruits/vegetables that people say will help me but to no avail. and so, i continued drinking the tea.  if my memory serves me right, i have been drinking the tea for 5 straight years. until i had to go back to japan last year, and my mom told me, i had to quit.  i tried not drinking the tea for a week but to my dismay i can’t move bowels, so i end up drinking another aid which is actually just like the tea but in tablet form.

i used to drink a 500mg-tablet a day and it used to work.  when i consumed all the tabs that i brought with me, i had my mom send me more.  she sent me 250mg ones, so i had to consume two tabs a day. until it stopped working. and so, i increased the dosage to three tabs (750mg) a day. 

that said, i consumed all the tabs sooner than expected. i consumed all the tabs just last night and although i asked for another meds from back home, it won’t arrive till may 5.

well, that means, i will not be drinking the medicine for like 11 days.  that means, i will be learning how else could i live without that medicine.  maybe this is enough time for me to finally break my dependency or, to really conclude that my dependency is unbreakable.

and this is otherwise saying that, it could either mean i’ll have a bulging tummy until that day or i’d be glad to finally annouce that i break the relationship i used to have with that medicine.

high-fiber diet.
no junk foods.
no peanuts.
no meat.
just fruits and vegetables.

i have to give this another try. this time, it’s stricker. this time, it’s more serious.

will i make it?  is it gonna be agony? or ecstacy?

Posted: April 25th, 2007 under Health, Serious Talk.
Comments: 4

i am turning old especially today.

today, for the first time, in the history of my existence, i forget where i placed my train ticket.  obviously, i had to open my coin purse and drop coins, thereby, waste my money for my train fare, which i supposedly had paid ahead. it’s not that it hurts but, it sure will, if i really lost it.

bad. bad.

lame excuse:  i lent it to a friend so that he needed not pay for the train fare last saturday. when he returned it, i was kinda busy watching a movie and so, i placed it near my laptop. i recalled, i placed it somewhere else after i realized i might lose it and so, i am pretty sure, it’s not on my table anymore. 

i hope, though, that i will find it inside my room when i get home tonight.  it’ll cost me much if i buy a new one.  i only got it last thursday and it’s effectivity actually starts on wednesday and before i could even use it, i lost it.   explanation:  i bought in advance, a one-month-worth ticket and so, the ticket i lost (i hope i did not), is actually my old and new ticket. so, it’s like saying i lost both my old and new tickets. 

and so, i am launching calc program, at the same time, double-clicking the lower right-hand side of my monitor (calendar) to see how much i would need to spend for the worst-case-scenario (guess, you know what i mean) because i’d rather not buy again for this month.

darn. so darn.

update: 

First thing i did when i get home was look for my precious ticket.  And, it’s there, laid on my bookshelf, right below my mini sanitary bag.  Praise the Lord!

Posted: April 16th, 2007 under Funny, Serious Talk.
Comments: 3

Everyday,  I get to see persons pushing this sort-of-cart.  From the picture, it may seem that the person is merely pushing a cart with, maybe, stuffs on it.  Sadly, it’s not that.  The cart serves as an aid for the person to move.   

OK.  This ain’t new to me.  This is, in fact, an everyday scene in Japan.  But I am making it a big deal.

Ain’t it sad?  Here in Japan, it’s normal to see disabled persons maneuvering their own wheelchairs and being all alone trying with all their  might to continue surviving. 

Last night, I came across this old paralyzed woman who could hardly move, pushing her cart inside the grocery store and picking items.  It’s just so sad seeing them. 

Last week, I saw another paralyzed woman inside a very big and busy train station, maneuvering her own wheelchair going from platform to platform.  It sure is so hard.  I wish I could push her and help her get to the place she wanted to go. 

In my mind, I was asking where are the kids or siblings of these people.  In the Philippines, we wouldn’t allow paralyzed persons to be on their own.  There should be someone taking good care of them, looking after them.  Why do these people here have to be alone?  Don’t they have families?  Doesn’t anyone care for them?

Isn’t it what families are for - to take good care of each other especially during tough times?  We all grow old or go weak anytime.  Friends can vanish when we can’t go with them to parties or out-of-towns but our family, they are supposed to be there for us.  Family is all we got when the worst comes to us.  We may be confiding to our friend/s when we have problems, but at the end of the day (or in the long run), it is our family’s acceptance and understanding that we seek deeply.  It is our family (people we love) that matters.

Our relationship with our siblings, parents and/or kids, are, for me, the most important things in this world.  I always firmly believe that my family is the most important treasure I have in this world.  I always know that no matter what happens to me, they are always there.  Whatever I would like to do, they are willing to support.  In a lot of ways, my family’s love made me  commit into doing something that wouldn’t put them to shame.

I love my family.  We help each other.  We care for each other.  We do not do this, however, to receive assistance (in return) should we suffer from anything.  But having a great relationship with them does guarantee that we will never be alone no matter what.  Yeah, NO MATTER WHAT!

I know that should I run into trouble anytime, my family wouldn’t ask “Why would I help you?”  instead they would say “Why wouldn’t I?” and they’ll come running to rescue me. 

And I will never ever push my own aid-cart or maneuver my own wheelchair.  Hmnnn… at least, that’s how I feel.

Posted: April 13th, 2007 under Family, Serious Talk.
Comments: 4

appreciating something when you lost it - the toilet bowl story

march 3, 2007 (saturday)

i’m outta bed earlier than usual.  on days like these, i used to fix my room, the kitchen, the sink, the bathroom and the toilet and then transfer the garbage from the bins to the designated plastic bags and then put them at their designated places outside our pad.  i did just that. in no particular order.

i gotta meet girl friends at 2pm so i had lotsa time.

i was happily cleaning the house.  i felt it’s a beautiful saturday morning.  and it was.  until i cleaned the toilet.  and the story begins here.

i was using male and female toilet bowl brush (i.e. the handle is the male, the brush itself is the female. the two are not completely attached to each other.)  i poured in toilet cleaner and pushed and pulled the brush against the bowl.  then, the female part (brush itself)  separated from the handle.  i kept pushing the handle to find the hole of the brush that fits the handle itself.  i couldn’t so much see the brush for it’s color is white and so is the water because of the toilet cleaner i poured in.  oh well, to cut it short, i pushed a little too hard that i couldn’t anymore see the brush.  so, i flushed water.  clean.  it’s clean.  the brush is invisible. i flushed again.  no problem.  i will just have to buy another brush.  that’s cheap anyway.

i proceeded to cleaning the bathroom, smashing water under the bath tub.  it’s kinda hard cleaning that portion.  i had to smash water because the shower won’t work as i wanted.  dear housemate then woke up and used the toilet.  flushing and flushing, she wondered and asked me why the tissue paper remained.  oh!  the brush was stuck after all!  we kept flushing and yet the tissue paper remained, and the water raised as high as the height of the bowl itself.  “goodness!  this is a disaster!” i thought.

and so, i thought of ways.  i googled on the internet to find ways.  taking the object out is the easiest solution but only if i could see the object.  in my case, i couldn’t see the brush anymore so, it’s kinda hard. sure thing is, the brush is still there, causing the clog.  there were lots of suggestions on the net and finally a professional help was to be sought as final course of action and that left me with that choice.  only that choice.

and since it’s a saturday, the professionals for that were not on duty.  so, for a while, i shifted my attention and left the pad for the girl-bonding session.  while with friends, i wasn’t at ease.  i kept calling people who might have suggestions but to no avail.   it’s just so hard when the brush isn’t visible anymore.  i can’t pull anything.  i was thinking i should be looking for a liquid that might melt the brush instead of pulling it.  weird me!  perhaps because, i figured it will be wiser than seeking a professional help because it will cost me much.  and i mean, MUCH! (because, i have learned from friends that unclogging a bathroom costs 40,000yen based on personal experience.)

7 pm, the gang i was with was heading for a birthday party.  while i wanted to go too, i was caught between going and having fun and going back and facing my problem again.  so, i headed home and contemplated for ways.  with the gloves on, i picked every solid thing i could find in the toilet bowl and reached as far as i could.  nothing.  i couldn’t grab nor feel the brush.  and then i kept flushing and flushing hoping the brush would just get flushed.  but it only filled the bowl with water.  “goodness! this isn’ t gonna work!”  i dread thinking about the time when we would need to use the toilet for moving bowels.  that’s gonna be real bad.  scary! we can’t knock the next door and asked if we could use the toilet.  sure, not! and there are no stores nearby with public toilets.  huh! komatta na.  hontou ni.

i ended the day up by throwing all the garbage and then taking a shower. that’s it.  i called it a day.  tomorrow, i will just use the church’s toilet and hope dear housemate could still bear with the inconvenience.
march 4, 2007 (sunday)

first thing in the morning - flush the toilet to see if anything good happened.  was i expecting for a miracle?  PERHAPS!  as expected, it only filled the bowl with water.  so, i fixed myself for church and then left.  i kept narrating my problem to friends hoping i would get the solution i needed,  perhaps they know of an acid that melts plastics.  i left the church after lunch and then opted to go to a shop to seek the acid i desperately want to have.

after consuming all my japanese words the clerk finally understood what i wanted to have.  “there’s none of it around. you had better inform the incharge of your apartment”.  yappari.  so, i took the rubber thing for unclogging toilets and bathrooms and a toilet brush to replace the one taken by the bowl.  this time, i chose a stand-alone one (not the male-female thing). 

i went back to the pad and then use the rubber thing to unclog the bowl.  i kept pushing that thing and kept flushing and flushing the toilet until i consumed all my energy and so, i  decided to give up.  i took a shower again, cleaned all the things i’ve used and decided to just wait for monday.  professional help.  that’s it. that should be it.

march 5, 2007 (monday)

7:00 a.m.  i woke up and prayed so hard i won’t have to pay much.  i was hoping that when i flush the toilet, it would be okay already.  i went to check the bowl but i figured one more flushing would cause a little more trouble and so, i went down to informed the pad incharge instead.  30 minutes later, he’s ringing my door bell.  he flushed the toilet and understood the case.  i didn’t tell him i had brush stuck inside.  he didn’t ask me anyway.  he went down to get something - the rubber thing for unclogging, just ike the one i was using, but a bigger one.  in my mind, i said, “that’s not gonna work.  i did it already.” but i just allowed him to do what he thought of doing.  he flushed the toilet and then quickly unclogged the bowl with his rubber unclogger.  well, water slowly goes.  but that doesn’t mean that it’s working.  he flushed again and unclogged again.  alas!  it’s working!  it’s flushing perfectly fine.  but then i told him that if i put a tissue paper, it won’t get flushed.  so, i did throw in a few sheets and flushed it myself.  wow! amazing! it worked!  i put some tissue paper again and flushed.  there’s no doubt it’s fixed!

can you imagine that was just what i needed to do to get the brush flushed?  a bigger unclogger?  coupled with the perfect moves? or perhaps, i just needed the prayer and anything could work?

i am so thankful for that man.  i never needed to pay him.  not a single centavo.  just a “thank you so much” and he’s glad. i never had to even tell him of my stupidity of what i stuck inside!

praise GOD!

extra:
if there’s one lesson i learned from this experience, it is that, i should not wake up early and clean.  it’s causing me trouble!  LOL.  Seriously, it is, that when i am in trouble i only have to do what i could do and leave everything to HIM.  undoubtedly, He takes care of everything, especially those that my intellect, experience and power couldn’t do.  there are limits to what i can do and think while there are unlimited possibilities of what GOD can do and unlimited number of persons who can be of help. guess i consumed my energy for two days to no avail. LOL.  But no regrets!  at least, i tried.

two days of having an out-of-order toilet makes me realize just how important toilets are.  on days when it’s so cold, i get so lazy of getting up even when i feel like urinating, i knew the toilet is always right there. i kept postponing going to the toilet and thereby, taking its presence for granted.  now, i realized, i should be using the toilet as often as i feel like it, for when it’s not there, i would long for it’s presence really badly. 

always, in life, there are some things we take for granted and only realize their value when they’re gone. 

Posted: March 5th, 2007 under Funny, Religion, Serious Talk.
Comments: 4

i woke up 8:30 a.m. today to catch the 9:42 train bound for sone.  i’ll be seeing a dear friend who’ll kindly teach me how to bake a chocolate cake. 

i reached the station and there was she, aya-san, meeting me at the station.  i was so glad to see her.  we head to her place and then proceeded to what i was there for- chocolate cake baking.  she’s got a really nice and clean place.  i had fun measuring the ingredients, mixing them while chatting with her. 

we’re talking about her life and mine.  we’re having a good time.  actually, this is the first time that we get to really chat.  at the church, we just say hi’s and hello’s and that’s it.  i find her really nice as our conversation goes. 

a Christian really does have a light heart.  i mean, that’s how i see her.  she finds joy in everything she does.  and she doesn’t feel bad about all the bad things that come her way.  she has that faith.  and in a way, i am envious for i know i don’t have that much faith as she does.  she handles conversation really well, like she doesn’t have a problem at all.  mind you, she is sick.  her liver is not doing well.  but she is so positive.  i love her.  the way that she is.  she plays the guitar and the piano for GOD.  she paints and creates solid portrait of jesus dying on the cross to save us.  by profession, she is an english teacher.  but her classroom is like a music room and a restaurant at the same time.  she serves meals to her students.  how amazing that is!

after more than an hour, our cake was ready.  i was so excited to see how it goes and how it tastes.  hmnn… yappari oishii.  she took a box and placed 4 of what we made inside it for me to take home.  sore ha ii ne..

she said a prayer for me before i left and it moved me to tears.  she said the words, the exact words i have in my heart.

i learned everything i wanted to learn about chocolate cake today.  and something far beyond that.  how lovely!

Posted: February 17th, 2007 under Passion, Religion, Serious Talk.
Comments: 2

Feb 14, 2007 (Wed) 

today started out just fine. well, my stomach was aching a bit when i woke up but that is just a bit.  i took my jacket and wore my shoes.  off i went jogging for 20 minutes.  stomach check. ops!  aching still.  but only a bit.  rush to work.  read and replied tons of emails to greet friends and loved ones happy vday. 

stomach check.  worse.  then came lunch time.  i didn’t have the appetite to eat what i put inside my lunch box and so i grabbed my po-chi biscuits (cheese flavor) and sip my cold coffee.  that’s it.  that’s lunch.

stomach check.  getting even worse.  dear friend was checking to see if we could go on a group dinner date as we agreed.  i kinda didn’t know what to answer.  dear daddy called up for business-related things.  and then, he asked how i was doing. told him my stomach’s aching but i still could handle.  perhaps, i will need to see the doctor the next day, i told him.  and so, we agreed.

stomach check 2:45 pm.  not getting any better still.  stomach already bulging.  i got to really see the doctor before i end up dragging myself again to get to my place.  and so, i told daddy.

at 3:00pm, i was out of the office again.  it was raining real hard but i didn’t care.  i rushed to see daddy.

“aren’t you pregnant?”  came daddy’s question.

funny.  really funny. 

off we went to see the doctor.  the doctor suspected of it as something caused by a virus.   i insisted it’s not for i knew the type of pain was something beyond that in comparison to the symptoms of that stomachache caused by the virus.  poor me.  the doctor just didn’t mind me.  he said i would need an x-ray of my tummy, which i think means, i need an ultrasound.  but he said it’s so expensive and that he would first want me to try out his wild guess.  darn.  and so, he issued a list of medicines.  we went to the drug store to purchase my meds and off i went to my pad while daddy went to his’.

at 4:30pm i am down on my bed. 

what a lonely valentine’s day!  (i wasn’t even able to distribute the chocolates we bought for the men in the office.)

Posted: February 17th, 2007 under Health, Serious Talk.
Comments: 1

We tend to take for granted the presence of someone thinking they’d always be there.  We tend to delay what is it that we are supposed to say, thinking we’d always have the time to say them. 

Sometimes, it takes losing someone (or something) before we realize we love them; before we feel the intense desire to tell them just how we feel.

Truth is, we lose chances.  And sometimes, when we lose them, we lose them forever.

Chances.  Time.  People.  Love.  Life.  They come and go.  And sometimes, they don’t come again.

Painful, isn’t it?

Posted: February 13th, 2007 under Love Actually, Serious Talk.
Comments: 1

February 2, 2007 (Fri)

I woke up feeling a little pain on my stomach.  I fixed myself still, drank my milk and vitamins then head for work.  The pain was nothing serious.  I arrived at the office and did my thing - program and email.

Lunch Time.  The pain’s still there.  I slouched, surfed the net.  The pain subsided.  A bit.  I ate my lunch - carrots and 2 eggs.  Done.  The pain came knocking again.  That time, stronger.  I slouched.  Nothing happened.

Lunch Break’s over.  Officemates came settling down.  I was sitting.  Struggling to survive.   I couldn’t make it anymore, I thought.  I went down and asked for permission to leave the office.

I left.  was walking towards the 15-minute walk train station which seemed to be the farthest train station i’ve walked in my whole life.  The pain’s so real and so hard.  I felt I could collapse.  I thought about asking for help from among the store owners inside the train station.  I wanted to lie myself down.  I knew I would feel better if I lie down.  But I was too shy to do it and sure thing, there aren’t any beds inside the boutiques.

I rushed to the comfort room, sit on a western style bowl and hoped the pain would subside.  Nothing happened.  The pain only got stronger.  I went out and headed towards the train station entrance to get my ride.  I was literally dragging myself, back folded while walking (like an old woman suffering from osteoporosis).  The train wasn’t there yet. So, I sit on the floor in the waiting street.  Imagine me doing that!  The pain was striking really strong.  I didn’t care looking so stupid on the floor. 

I had my train ride and closed my eyes.  It will be a 25-minute ride.  I was holding on.  That 25-minute ride didn’t seem to be only 25 minutes at all.  It’s like forever. 

Then I went down.  Wondering if I could still survive.  I still had to walk for 15 minutes to reach my pad.  Several thoughts came in - riding a taxi or hitching a ride.  Nothing seemed something I could do.  The taxi fare is so expensive and I couldn’t talk to tell the driver where I was heading.  So, instead of thinking, I walked, back folded still.  Oh my GOD!  I wanted so much to die.  The pain was just so unbearable!  But I kept walking.  My stomach was bulging from the pain.  I was battling against the feeling of losing all my senses while walking.  It’s winter and so cold and the snow was pouring a bit and there was me, struggling to reach home with my stomach at its worst state.  For every pace I took, I thought about how many more steps I had to take to reach my pad.  It didn’t seem to work.  I only felt more bad feeling how much longer did i need to walk; how much farther my pad had become.

I reached my pad, opened the door and undressed myself.  I had the biggest stomach I’ve ever seen on me.  I enveloped myself with blanket then laid myself down.  I knew then I would be alright. 

I could have died.  And I didn’t care.  It could have been better that I did.  I mean, that’s what I thought at that moment.

I trudge everyday the same route.  And yet, it seemed like the longest walk of my life. 

It seemed like I was walking for so long… like, FOREVER.

Posted: February 5th, 2007 under Serious Talk.
Comments: 3